Seven's Secret Self

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If a person was your reason for living and that person decides to walk away, would you just simply kill yourself? Or just wait until your life is sucked dry by the emptiness and the void that the person has left behind? I have never believed in never getting over a person… maybe I can get over this… maybe… or maybe I’ll end up just killing myself…

If this agonizing interval of time from the “we need to talk” and the moment that we do talk is just me writhing in my skin with guilt. I’ll accept it. I do think I need this continues dose of guilt at least for some time. This is the only means to compensate. But if this the calm before the storm and I will lose the only person I am betting eternity on then I wish that the storm will sweep me away until I am nothing and incapable to feel. I hate love. It makes you vulnerable in certain scenarios. And I guess love makes you feel like dying or killing yourself. I hate it. If I’m going to lose you now, I wish I never loved you at all.

In all dramatic implications, you are my happiness right now. What do I do when you’re gone? That was why I didn’t want to get married in the first place. I wanted an easy escape route but you were so selfish, you needed to take all my sense of security and I risked everything to make you happy. I changed my whole world for you, my way of living… my direction in life just to be with you. Just to make you happy. In the most trying times that you left me, even if it was the hardest of times for me because I felt betrayed I took “the bigger man” cloak and draped it on my back. I packed your clothes and sent you away with well wishes hoping that you would find happiness where you go and some part of you would still belong to me.

I have never been an optimist that was why you have been a source of joy for your big acts of kindness, love and understanding. You even tried to calm my self destruct tendencies. You tried to protect whatever happiness I had. You are such an amazing person. I was so happy to think that maybe you have been God sent, my salvation. But what if He had just lent you? And that He will decide that I am not worthy to keep you? What of my disarrayed life, what of my on hold dreams… you are the lifeline to my happiness, how can I be okay if I lose you?

You will cripple me, don’t go. Please if you go away can you just kill me. Seriously, my life will be meaningless. I would prefer to die. You said once, a long time ago that you’d kill me if I betrayed you. Please kill me. I rather die than lose the meaning of my life. I always thought that people who rely on love are weaklings, and I still feel so right now.I just never thought that I would be one of those people. So in love. So weak. I know what I did was wrong and inexcusable. But I was drunk. I would never done so in my right head. I’ll be swearing off drinking if you won’t leave me. I won’t ever drink again. Forgive me. Forgive me. I don’t know what else to say. I wish the talk that we will be having would be face-to-face. I’ll give you a knife, and tell you please just kill me if you leave.

If you were forgiven but you are still laden with guilt what do you do exactly? When you are the person who has done wrong what do you do when you have been forgiven when you have committed something you would consider unforgivable? What do you do with the self-loathing? When I remember what I’ve done I just want to hurt myself… because I know that whatever guilt I’m feeling is nothing compared to the hurt I’ve given. What do I do?

I went to the park to burn some cigarettes. Every time I puff out smoke the taste lingers on my mouth like the bad taste of betrayal. A child fell from a see saw and I laughed sadistically. Man, I hate children. Laughing hurts because I feel like I should never laugh again. I swallow the laughter, took a last puff of my cigarette threw it out, walked towards the kid and helped him out. Brush his clothes, he said thank you amidst the tears and I asked the kid to hit me in the head really hard… But the kid laughed and trotted off… No one wants to hurt me… Why?

I miss you. At the end of the day the most treacherous memories are the good ones, because I’m scared that that will be the only thing you leave me with. Good memories that I wish were not memories at all. I hate you because I guess I love you too much its incomprehensible for me to try and live without you. I keep telling you that I’m tired of Limbo but I never lose hope. I never gave up because I’d rather be in Limbo, in the in-between a yes or a no than in hell trying to nurse my wound of emptiness and memories. I f*cking hate you. You push me so f*cking out of character…

But technically it is my birthday. A touch bit melancholic. I’m being a baby and I asked my partner to greet me. LOL. We’re in one of the biggest spat ever and I asked her/him to greet me. S/he always did before. Around 12 midnight, s/he always did. Now nothing… and I’m sad and corny but I;m giving myself license because it’s my birthday. I’m losing the love my life. How can I be happy…

Happy birthday. Happy. Birthday. Thank you. I wish it was.

I have always had a very big soft spot for Peter Pan because at a very young age I decided to stop growing up. Around fourteen perhaps when I got up and declared “F*ck the world. I live my life the way I want.”. I had great disregard for other people and their “feelings”. I burn my parents money like a madman and we were poor. I drank until I blacked out or worst yet do many, many, MANY stupid things. My life was in a mess, my family dysfunctional and I psychologically stopped aging. Seriously. I got into and out of relationships and now I stop and look back how many times I was truly in a relationship… I guess I would answer once and I married that person when I was, chronologically speaking, age 22. Because s/he wanted to. Because s/he was the first person who I cared for. “F*ck the world. Yes. F*ck the world excluding you.” But I was still a kid, no matter how much I cared for the person I refused to grow up I remember choosing cigarettes over her/him. I remember choosing my band. Choosing my booze. But you went with it, tolerated every intolerable behavior. I don’t know what exactly made you stay, but you spoiled me. I’m a brat age 24, psychologically 14.

I like being Peter Pan. Battling pirates, recluse in a world of fairies and mermaids and I met my Wendy and brought her to my world of fantasies… of smoking, drinking and irresponsibility. I was Peter Pan and Wendy asked me to get married and I said yes like when she said she wanted to give me a “thimble”… Now, I realize my Wendy has already left and joined the world of adults with outstretched hands asking me to enter HER world. Being married doesn’t make her stay, it meant I had to go to her. Be an adult, give up Neverland along with the fairies, the mermaid… the smoking, the boozing, the constant irresponsibility. And I realize being forever young is worthless without my Wendy, so I take the first step today… as I grow up ever so slightly… I give up my drinking. Today and forever more. All I have is my ciggy in memory of my youth, I’ll work on the irresponsibility, my Wendy will help me…

If I lose you. I will be fine. I just have to live my life as half a man. Never to be complete ever again.

We were not always happy, but we were never completely disheartened. It was like even before we decided to be a family, we were each others home. A certain part of the mind that was secure. Unaffected by the hardship of life because another person owned that place. And it was kept wrapped up in a promise that “You’ll be safe here”… for eternity and always.

Even my cynical side was hopeful, that what we had would remain untainted. But I did something wrong. I broke the promise. You were not safe with me. I let you get hurt in a multitude of ways, and I was ready to grovel for you to keep me. And I groveled until I no longer resembled the person that you loved. The prideful person. The strong. The independent. In the back of my head, I had already declared my life wasted without you.

But I can only take so much. Somehow I feel like we are just prolonging the agony. You pretend to be okay because you are maintaining a facade that you were not broken by my actions. I, on the other hand, must maintain a facade of endless humility, shame and regret. And I am tired beyond words. I know I broke your heart and a parts of you hate that I have broken not only your trust but your sense of security in what might have been… what should have been our future. You are so deeply hurt that you refuse to acknowledge the fact that I am suffering with you. I love you, I never wanted you to hurt so bad. I love you, I was betting my whole life on a forever that I never believed in… Pouring my heart out every single time I can. Groveling, letting my eyes sting because the tears have flowed too often that they begin to become meaningless and they hurt. They hurt because I know you love me less. And I begin to just wish that I have never loved you at all…

We were not always happy, but we were always hopeful. But now we are not happy and I am beginning to lose hope. Slowly I am beginning to resemble a pauper begging for something… anything to feel something different from what I feel now.